A common misconception among those who have seen me without a shirt on is that I spend, bare minimum, ten hours every Saturday in the gym sculpting my abs.
…of course those are my abs. What, do you think I just did an image search for “abs” and took the first relevant picture to come up?
In reality, those ten hours are more or less spent curled up on the couch with Jess, watching some of the finest movies ever made courtesy of Netflix.
Enjoying a lazy weekend packed full of sub-par cinema and Chinese takeout has always been one of our favorite leisure activities.
Until this past Christmas, though, there was a major drawback.
Jess and I would share a blanket. Nine out of ten times, she would reach for this one:
For starters, the fleece is not designed to cover two people. One of us (namely…me) always had frigid extremities.
Also, it was less than comfortable having the likeness of Robert Pattinson’s faux-vampire face so close to my crotch.
On Christmas morning, I unwrapped one of these bad boys:
I have three complaints about the Snuggie.
Jess opted for one in royal blue.
It may be impossible to get anything in a more manly color than
Chuck Norris wears royal blue.
Yet, when I put on the Snuggie… if I listen carefully enough, I can actually HEAR my testosterone level plummeting.
Instead of a booklight, this sleeved blanket should come with a nice pleather pouch that you can hold your scrotum in while you’re wearing it.
Another gripe I have is that once I put it on and curl up to cuddle and watch a movie, I’m knocked out faster than Glass Joe in the original Punch Out.
42 seconds in… that sounds about right.
With the exception of “Troll 2,” I don’t think I’ve stayed fully awake through an entire movie since getting the Snuggie. That’s probably a good 15 to 20 movies that I’ve slept during, or completely through.
I blame the super warm Snuggle-riffic cocoon.
It doesn’t seem like it would be all that heat-retaining, as the material isn’t much thicker than a ShamWow!… but it’s really cozy.
The image of the poor old man in the front row shivering in his Members Only jacket (at the 55 second mark of the infomercial) while all other event spectators are “wrapped in warmth” may have some validity.
However, I can’t vouch, since I refuse to wear the Snuggie outside of the house. I’m just not into the whole public self-emasculation scene.
Lastly, Jess has made it very clear that I can’t wear the Snuggie to bed.
I think she phrased it “You can’t wear the Snuggie to bed.”
So, I’m getting between 6 and 8 hours less use per day out of the Snuggie than I really could… and it’s not fully realizing its Snuggie potential.
Otherwise, I’m all about the Snuggie.
And watching crappy movies with my wife.
Until I fall asleep, full of Chinese food. And, thanks to the Snuggie, estrogen.
Where to Buy: Official Snuggie Fleece Blanket with Sleeves Web Site
Price: $19.99 + S & H
I’m planning a vacation to a remote Utah town called Eripmav. Should I be concerned that the name of the town is vampire spelled backwards?: I can’t see any reason why you’d vacation in Utah.