Review: the awesome auger

I’m convinced that the edges of our yard were treated with the herbacious equivalent of Minoxidil.

The lawn can be trimmed so that the landscape is flatter than the half-empty cans of Natural Light lining the window sills of a frat house the morning following a party.  After a single heavy rainfall, the weeds along the picket fence grow tall enough to tickle your scrotum — if ever you decided to garden in the raw.

We needed a miracle to get rid of our overgrowth.

One afternoon while washing dishes, we heard the booming voice of an angel revealing the good news of the Awesome Auger.

Turns out the loud voice was just our television in the adjacent room.  Pitch man Billy Mays, who probably played with cap guns too much in his youth, was hawking the Auger at highly inappropriate decibel levels.

Here’s what we heard (feel free to adjust the volume on your speakers):

Of course I wanted this amazing garden tool!  Our backyard has more roots than Jessica Simpson’s head!

We submitted our request for one via the Internet.

And waited…..

A full two and a half MONTHS later, our shiny new toy arrived.

That “razor sharp” edge?  It’s actually duller than the movie The English Patient. It’s like a giant rotating butter knife… except butter knives have small serrations… that, presumably, would make them more suitable for cutting things.  Like butter.  Or tree roots.

For weeks after this purchase, I had vivid dreams in which I jabbed an Awesome Auger into Billy Mays’ urethra.

As Jess previously stated, we’d never overtly tell anyone not to purchase the items that we review.

So, instead, I’ll just put up this picture of a cheeseburger.

Where to Buy: Official Awesome Auger Website

Price: 19.99 + S & H

Didn’t “The English Patient” win an Oscar the year it was released?: It actually won nine. I don’t get that at all. Maybe the cinematography was good. I didn’t notice, as I was too busy trying to gouge out my eyes and/or fall asleep.

(Photo source:

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