Review: slap chop

Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude for our wonderful friends and families, our health, and myriad things that we often take for granted.

It’s also a time to eat insane quantities of food… including bruschetta.

Not a common Thanksgiving staple, that bruschetta.

note: nobody in this picture is eating bruschetta

But, Jess and I were on appetizer detail, so we settled on crusty bread piled high with onion, mozzerella, tomato, garlic, oil and basil.

The snack’s easy enough to make, but the fine chopping requires quite a bit of prep work.

Naturally, knowing that we had an early morning ahead of us and a good deal of kitchen duties, we went out to a bar with Jess’s brother, his girlfriend, and several friends.

We’re also thankful for mocha porter and Yuengling Lager.

Closing time.  We head home.  A pile of produce on the table reminds us that we have to prepare our contribution to the festival meal.

Because I, Captain Procrastination, also had to bake apple bread and wash a load of laundry that night,  I volunteered to chop the onion and garlic while the bread was in the oven… which would allow us ten to twenty minutes of extra sleep on Turkey Day.

This also provided an excellent opportunity to christen the Slap Chop.

Did you see what the Slap Chop did to that onion?  It totally made that vegetable its bitch.  After a few quick depressions of the plunger, the onion was pulverized worse than the Detroit Lions are pummeled on a weekly basis.

The Slap Chop is, essentially, a single sharp piece of metal welded into a “W” shape attached to a lever with a Slinkie on it.  It’s a great theory.  In practice, not so much.

I gave the onion a couple of good thwacks.

The spring in the plunger is about as rigid as Skeletor’s wrist.

So, pushing the plunger resulted in the cutting surface hitting the onion all willy-nilly, as the blade was meandering around inside the contraption like an inverted jack-in-the-box head.

Another flaw was that the single blade is angled in such a way that huge chunks of onion get wedged in its ridges.

The Slap Chop does open easily, as advertised.  So, I won’t get any “bacterial” in our food.

The butterfly design did facilitate retrieving ginormous hunks of onion that were then transferred to The Nicer Dicer. For onions, the Nicer Dicer is definitely the way to go.

Because I’d anticipated using the Slap Chop for so long, the onion demonstration was almost as large a letdown as purchasing a copy of toad the wet sprocket’s “Coil.”

In defense of the Slap Chop, though, it handled the garlic very nicely.

And, those are the only two vittles that we’ve tested the device on.  So far.

On Tuesday, the Slap Chop will be the centerpiece of OUR SECOND GIVEAWAY CONTEST!!!

Excited?  Come on back Tuesday night…. or possibly early Wednesday morning.  Captain Procrastination may decide to hit a bar and put off writing for a few hours.  You never know.

Where to Buy: Slap Chop at

Price: $19.95 + S&H

Does owning a Slap Chop really make you love Vince Offer’s nuts?: Who do you think I am, Skeletor?

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