Review: odor assassin

Jess and I have placed our house on the market.

Which may or may not explain the three week lag between reviews.

That’s my excuse, anyhow.

It’s also a prime example of how Murphy’s Law works.

Here’s my guarantee: ten minutes before the first potential buyer is scheduled to arrive at your place, you’ll be seated on the throne, dropping a load that leaves slug trails on the porcelain the earth-tone shade of the M&M that was replaced by the blue candy in ’92.

Blame it on the butterflies that accompany a change of this magnitude.

Blame it on the midnight snack including eggs that may have been among the twenty billion recalled.

Blame it on the bottle of Olde English

Don’t judge me, fucker…

Or, of course, you could

Whatever the reason, with moments to spare prior to the realtor’s appointment to show off our humble abode, my bowels were moving like I had an IV hook-up of Activia.

AKA the yogurt that makes me think of Jamie Lee Curtis popping a squat. Again, don’t judge me, fucker…

What to do?

Luckily, we had THIS at our disposal.

For the fans of SAT style analogies, Odor Assassin is to regular air freshener as Altoid is to Tic Tac.

Two small spritzes from the bottle, and the bathroom smelled kind of like a green appple Jolly Rancher… which is a vast improvement over the smell of green apple splatters.

So, if the name “Odor Assassin” makes you think of a loner with a shotgun hidden away in a book depository… nah.

This product is more like James McAvoy in “Wanted.”

..who would totally announce to the aroma of human waste that he’s about to shoot it right in the face… before curving a bullet in order to do so. Also, my wife thinks he’s really hot.

So, did this ASOTV product help us sell our house?

Not yet.

Apparently, we’re too close to the highway and have an undersized kitchen.

But, thanks to the Odor Assassin, “smells vaguely like Spud from Trainspotting’s bedsheets” was not among the list of complaints.

Where to Buy: Couldn’t find an official site. But, you can buy some here.

Price: $12.95 + S & H

But isn’t your house the perfect size for a first time home buyer, or perhaps an older couple looking to downsize and simplify? : Fuck yeah, it is.

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *