Review: Hercules hooks

I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t start out this review letting you know that I can’t even think about the word Hercules without hearing Eddie Murphy Mama Klump fawning over her chubby’s son’s butter muscles in The Nutty Professor. A normal person would probably be reminded of something a little more obvious. Like maybe the Disney movie Hercules. Oh, or that early 1980’s Lou Ferrigno gem Hercules. Maybe even the Kevin Sorbo series Hercules that ran for like fifteen years.
But no. Not me. It’s not like it’s one of my favorite movies or anything. I don’ t know if I even like that movie because I can’t remember much of anything about it except for lots of farting, and of course – “HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES, HERCULES!”

Unlike this chunky Adonis, I’m happy to report that I’ve actually discovered a product that lives up to the Herculean moniker. Sort of.

Now, as a disclaimer, let me just state up front that I didn’t attempt to hang 150 pounds of anything on the hooks. It’s not that I don’t trust you, late great Billy Mays (RIP), it’s just that I value my walls. My house may be small, humble, and located in the ghetto, but having huge hunks of drywall falling off of it would just be ridiculously depressing. So I started small, and used the hooks to hang some pictures in my living room.

As straight as Steven Cojocaru in a feathered boa!

As you can hopefully see from this grainy cellphone photo, it’s a little difficult to position the Hercules Hooks in straight lines. You really have to angle those suckers to get them into the wall, making the task of hanging multiple frames a little difficult. The Hooks got the job done, but it now looks like I have a bobblehead for an interior decorator.

Moving on.

I really wanted to test the Hooks to see if they were sturdy enough for bigger, heavier objects, so I took two 14.5 pound containers of cat litter, put them into a grocery bag, and brough them into my the room that we use as a home office. I twisted a hook into the wall, which was easy enough, and then I waited for the courage to place the bag on it. In my mind, the worse case scenario was that we’d lose the better portion of the wall leaving us with a house that is small, humble, in the ghetto, partially walled, and covered in twenty-nine pounds of cat litter. My best case scenario was that the Hook would hold, I’d remove the whole shebang, and there would be no permanent damage.

Twenty-nine pounds of cat litter on the wall, twenty-nine pounds of cat litter….

The result was somewhere in between. Yes, the Hook successfully held twenty-nine pounds, but it also shifted a bit under the weight, leaving a sizeable hole in the wall for something that’s the width of a guitar string. It’s like driving your Prius to a park to eat a vegetarian lunch out of a biodegradable picnic basket, and then throwing a styrofoam cup on the ground on your way out. Hey, Hercules Hooks! LEAVE ONLY FOOTPRINTS.

You made Al Gore cry, Hercules Hooks.

Surprisingly, that picture is not a still frame from an 8mm film shot in 1976, but a picture of my wall (taken with my phone, MY GOD I NEED A NEW CAMERA!) after Hercules Hooks sunk their… uhm, hooks… into it. That being said, I’d be very cautious when hanging more than 15-20 pounds per hook. I suppose that if the object you want to hang is big enough, you could use multiple hooks to keep it in place. I’d also recommend using a spotter if you’re using the hooks to hang more than one picture or frame in a group, or your family photos will end up looking like a gallery in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Where to BuyHercules Hooks at

Price: $14.99 for 20 Hooks, plus S&H

Is little Ernie “Hercules” Klump still a butterball?: According to IMDB, he’s recently played characters called “Tugboat” and “Harry the Shithouse,” so I’m going to go with yes on this one.

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