Review: gopher ii

While home sick with a fever one day last year, I decided to finally watch “Superman”.

I was able to catch the first fifteen minutes or so before passing out in a pool of my own sweat.

To this day, I’ve never seen the film in its entirety.

Yet, “Superman II” is one of my favorite all-time movies.

And I’m not just saying that because these three advised me that doing so would be in my best interest.

I also have never seen the first “Lethal Weapon” movie.

Mel is shocked by this revelation.

But I loved “Lethal Weapon Patsy Kensit’s Tits”… I mean, “Lethal Weapon 2.”

It seems I’m forever experiencing the sequel before the original.

Case in point:

The Game Show Network, benefactors of our Clapper back in November, once again rewarded us for wasting away shitloads of hours answering trivia questions and playing Mah Jongg.

This time around, we were granted the Deluxe Gopher II Pick Up and Reaching Tool.

The Gopher (Part 2: “Return of the Gopher” or “The Gopher Strikes Back”) had serious awesome potential.

Imagine… being able to reach objects that are a full 31 inches beyond your regular wingspan.

Wow.

And, the capability of grabbing and holding five-pound objects?

Double wow.

So, how did it work?

Well…. the 2 and a half foot extension in reach isn’t quite long enough to help us grab cans of beer from the crisper drawer while lounging sloth-like on the couch watching reruns of “Cheaters.” So, major disappointment there.

The five pound weight limit is definitely a stretch. It’s similar to the 4,000 pound limit on a high-rise apartment’s elevator. Sure, the mechanism can lift 4,000 pounds, but the steel cables loudly groan throughout the duration of the ride up the shaft, like Octomom when she thinks about anything remotely related to securing a job.

I don’t have photo evidence of this (sorry… I can update once we charge the camera), but I have a half-empty (or, possibly half full) 2 liter bottle of Diet Mug root beer on the coffee table in front of me. A two liter of Pepsi or similar soft drink usually tips the scales at approximately five pounds. Because the root beer doesn’t contain the heavy sugars of a regular soda, it should weigh significantly less. And, because it’s half full (or empty), it should carry about half the weight of a full container.

Yet, when I tried lifting the bottle using the Deluxe Gopher, the light aluminum body began bending like the contents of Uri Geller’s silverware collection.

Maybe the Gopher Deluxe really can hold a five pound bag of flour without snapping in half. But, I’m sure as hell not about to try retrieving said bag of flour from a high kitchen shelf using the instrument… especially if I’m seated in a wheelchair.

Because the combo of flour and gravity could leave you looking sort of like this.

As far as replacing the lightbulb on the ceiling… we could probably do that  in our home without standing on a chair. Seriously, if we were able to afford a place with vaulted ceilings, we likely wouldn’t be changing our own lightbulbs. In fact, if one of the bulbs overhanging our grand ballroom were to burn out, we’d probably just buy a new house where all of the lights functioned.

The Grab It did work well on some smaller items… the camera, remote control, a Colum McCann paperback…

But, it can’t reach the fridge. And can’t grab a beer. And that sucks. Because “Cheaters” is on…

Where to Buy: Gopher at Asseenontvandmore.com

Price: 9.99 + S & H

When you were younger, were you struck in the head by a falling bag of flour? : That would explain an awful lot, wouldn’t it?