Review: forearm forklift

Over the past decade, I’ve lost any semblance of upper body strength by not lifting anything heavier than a pint glass. Despite my atrophied biceps, I’m still among the first people that my friends call when they need to move furniture.

I’m not complaining. I love helping out my friends whenever and however I’m able.

I just wish they didn’t all own armoires.

Those who studied French in high school (a l’ecole, with an accent ague over the first e) will probably remember that “armoire” is derived from the Old French roots “ar,” meaning “heavier than,” and “moire,” which translates roughly to “a motherfucking Sumo wrestler sitting on an elephant.”

Sumo wrestler Emanuel Yabrauh daydreaming about pachyderm-back riding.

Seriously, these cabinets are bigger than the studio apartment I used to live in.  The apartment would probably be easier to move, though… since it wasn’t made of solid oak.

When I’m once again recruited for wardrobe relocation detail, I’ll be prepared.

Each strap comes with three separate arm holes, which is helpful if the two people moving the heavy, heavy object are extremely disparate in height — Like if former NBA center Kevin Willis called up his friend Gary Coleman for assistance.

“Help you move an armoire? Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Kevin Willis?”

Once your wrists are through the appropriate loop,  the Forklift is ready to be placed under the thing that requires a change of position.

Then, when standing up… voila!  The once unyielding behemoth pulls some Criss Angel Mind Freak shit and levitates a couple of feet off of the ground.  Once it’s in the air, it’s easy to transport.

The only potential problem with the Forearm Forklift is that once it aids in getting the five kiloton mass of wood aloft, you’ll feel invincible, and think you can carry the armoire down all six flights of stairs in the apartment complex without resting every couple of minutes.

This is pretty idiotic, of course.  If you’re build is comparable to mine, your arms are weaker than Tiger’s excuse for sleeping around.

I was entitled– you know, because I’m famous — and rich — and will remain rich if Nike, Gillette, and AT & T accept my sincere apology.

So long as there’s an understanding that the Forearm Forklift doesn’t make you any stronger, the chore of hauling the burdensome and the massive from point A to point B will be a hell of a lot easier if you pick up a pair.

Where to Buy: Forearm Forklift at

Price: $19.99 + S & H

Is there really an Amber Alert out for Roman Polanski?: Of course not. He’s famous! So what if he likes having sex with 13-year-olds? That’s only illegal if you don’t have the money to expatriate and still make critically acclaimed films from a safe haven overseas.  You may get detained in a Swiss jail thirty years after the fact as some poor assed attempt at retribution for sodomy and statutory. Sorry. Short answer? No.

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