Review: bottle tops

Oh, man. I’m sorry about that. I’m still trying to recover from the image of two men sitting on the couch, watching some sporting event on the TV, snapping plastic spouts onto their beer cans and then admiring them with a sense of satisfaction. You may have even noticed that thanks to the rainbow of colors that Bottle Tops are offered in, Man #1 was able to color coordinate with his Heineken.

Now, look. I consider myself to be a pretty smart cookie, but there are plenty of things in life that I just don’t understand. Calculus, for example, or any kind of math more difficult than long division. Why the Philadelphia Eagles got their asses handed to them by the Oakland Raiders last Sunday. Why Clay Aiken has a “best of” album that people actually purchased. And, for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone over the age of 10 would want, or need, to turn a can into a bottle.

Lest you think I’m being unnecessarily harsh, let me explain. Jeremy and I don’t have kids, but we have nieces and nephews and friends who have reproduced, so I understand how little humans operate. They’re clumsy and the part of their brains that perfects that pesky hand-eye coordination hasn’t quite totally developed yet. They fall, and they drop things, and they break things, and they spill things and make great big messes. I wouldn’t hand a three year old an open can of anything and then let them go traipsing around with it, but then again I can’t think of anything in a can that I’d want to give a three year old anyway – unless they’ve developed aluminum cans of milk that I don’t know about.

The concept of Bottle Tops is a good one – keep your canned beverages from going flat, protect them from outdoor elements, and prevent spills. Snap on this handy plastic do-dad, and make yourself a bottle instead! What I take issue with is what the informercial doesn’t tell us. Bottles have already been invented!

Really, it’s okay! You can buy them anywhere beverages are sold! Soda, juice, iced tea, beer – it’s all there! We are fortunate to live in a time where such technology is at our disposal. Can you imagine what the colonial people had to go through? When they went for their bike rides, they probably had energy drinks sloshing all over the place. The pioneers who caravaned their wagons over the open plains and through treacherous mountain passes? They did so while spilling non-portable Budweisers all over themselves, which explains why in the 1980’s schoolchildren playing Oregon Trail would often lose the game when the last member of their group was attacked by a swarm of bees.

Despite my overwhelming disbelief over the utter unnecessity of Bottle Tops, I gave one a whirl in order to report my findings to you fine people. Here’s a couple of grainy cellphone pictures of my Friday night beer adorned with a Bottle Top. I apologize for the quality. Our digital camera bit the dust, and in typical Jeremy and Jessica fashion, we’re still researching new models / being cheap and waiting for mega holiday sales.

The Bottle Top is not in any way, shape, or form easy to snap on. It takes a calculated effort to line it up correctly, and a good amount of force to get it to stay. Considering you have to open the can prior to putting the top on, there is a significant risk of can mangling and spillage. It’s also not easy to get off. I had trouble doing it myself, and had to hand it off to Jeremy where he struggled with it for a few seconds as well.

It’s also just plain bizarre. Holding a can but drinking out of a wide mouth spout is something I think I’d have to get used to if I planned on making Bottle Tops part of my beverage drinking arsenal. It passed our spill test, which is its major source of usefulness, but I didn’t get to observe whether or not it kept my beer from getting flat. Honestly, who drinks a beer slowly enough to let it get flat? No one in this house, I’ll tell you that much.

I felt like a total dweeb drinking out of the Bottle Top, and the little black cap kept hitting me in the face with every sip, so I opted to drink my next Miller Lite au natural.

I feel like I’m being mean here, so I will say that I’m sure we’ll put our Bottle Tops to use next summer. If nothing else, I like the idea of using them for a barbecue, so that people can keep track of which drink is theirs and hopefully save themselves from swallowing a bee. We’ll also keep them around for when young kids visit, just in case they arrive without sippy cups in hand. It’s sad that, as with so many ASOTV products, the marketing is just all wrong.

We’re having a problem with our star rating system, so let me sum it up like this: if you have children under ten, and you live in a state that has outlawed the sale of plastic bottles, and you’re worried about flat beverages and/or insect infestation, and you like to store half empty sodas in the fridge, and you lack the coordination to drink from anything not tightly sealed, then this is the product for you. As for the rest of us, we’ll crack open a cold one and laugh at you.

Where to Buy: Bottle Tops Official Site

Price: $9.99. We found them in the store and avoided the S & H

Will the Eagles have their asses handed to them again this week by a sub-par team when they take on the Redskins? : They’d better not. I bet my entire stock of unused Bottle Tops that they’d win.

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