Which may or may not explain the three week lag between reviews.

That's my excuse, anyhow.

It’s also a prime example of how Murphy’s Law works.

Here’s my guarantee: ten minutes before the first potential buyer is scheduled to arrive at your place, you’ll be seated on the throne, dropping a load that leaves slug trails on the porcelain the earth-tone shade of the M&M that was replaced by the blue candy in ‘92.

Blame it on the butterflies that accompany a change of this magnitude.

Blame it on the midnight snack including eggs that may have been among the twenty billion recalled.

Blame it on the bottle of Olde English

Don't judge me, fucker...

Or, of course, you could

Whatever the reason, with moments to spare prior to the realtor’s appointment to show off our humble abode, my bowels were moving like I had an IV hook-up of Activia.

AKA the yogurt that makes me think of Jamie Lee Curtis popping a squat. Again, don't judge me, fucker...

What to do?

Luckily, we had THIS at our disposal.

For the fans of SAT style analogies, Odor Assassin is to regular air freshener as Altoid is to Tic Tac.

Two small spritzes from the bottle, and the bathroom smelled kind of like a green appple Jolly Rancher… which is a vast improvement over the smell of green apple splatters.

So, if the name “Odor Assassin” makes you think of a loner with a shotgun hidden away in a book depository… nah.

This product is more like James McAvoy in “Wanted.”

..who would totally announce to the aroma of human waste that he's about to shoot it right in the face... before curving a bullet in order to do so. Also, my wife thinks he's really hot.

So, did this ASOTV product help us sell our house?

Not yet.

Apparently, we’re too close to the highway and have an undersized kitchen.

But, thanks to the Odor Assassin, “smells vaguely like Spud from Trainspotting’s bedsheets” was not among the list of complaints.

Official Site: Couldn’t find one. But, you can buy some here.

Price: $12.95 + S & H

But isn’t your house the perfect size for a first time home buyer, or perhaps an older couple looking to downsize and simplify? : Fuck yeah, it is.

(Photo sources: http://www.virtuallypriceless.org; http://www.tomasinoblog.com; http://www.messengerpuppet.com; http://www.bildungblog.blogspot.com; http://www.myhumors99.com; http://www.soundtrackmovie.net; http://prince.org)

Yippie! Caption contest!

This week’s picture comes from an ad for the Total Pillow.  Here it is, with a sample caption:

Though the company she worked for frowned on the practice, Janet liked to surf the web for fetish porn and call 1-900 numbers on her lunch break.

Now it’s your turn!

Leave a comment with your funniest/wittiest/most clever/most shiny caption or captions for the picture above.

If your caption is chosen as the winner of the week (truncated to WOW), you’ll have a one in five shot at winning….

Honestly, I have no idea at this point.  All of our ASOTV stuff is packed up at the moment (more on that at a later time), so I’m not sure what we have at the ready to send out. 

But, I’m sure we’ll find something.

Contest will run…. at least through the weekend…. maybe longer because we didn’t get this post up until early Wednesday. 

Good luck, and happy captioning!

(Photo sources: http://www.bbc.co.uk; http://myfourmonkeysproductreviews.blogspot.com)

P7H4ERDBDZQZ

Claire!

Here’s the winning caption:

Got a bladder problem? Is it getting you down? Use the 'PissOmatic' It sucks up all your embarrassing leakages!

Congrats, Claire!

Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing and handling.

Just kidding! We should have it out to you within the week.

New contest will begin this weekend sometime, and we plan on writing a review at some point. Honestly, we do.

So, who gets the Mini Swift Peeler?

Why, that’s entirely up to you!

Their fate is in your hands...

Here are the past five winners with their respective captions of the week.

Week One: Nuclear Toast, with:

"Just because I said 'No' to The Clapper, and it's on my side of the bed? OK, FINE!"

Week Two: Claire, with:

Got a bladder problem? Is it getting you down? Use the 'PissOmatic' It sucks up all your embarrassing leakages!

Week Three: Kid Lester, with:

“It’s a…a musical compact disc. Wait, I’m getting something. Youuuuuu. Youuuuuuu and. You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery CHANNEL!”

Week Four: Doug, with:

This is what happens when you take Jon Lovitz fishing.

Week Five: JaneneMurphy, with:

I curl her hair with one rod, curl her toes with another!

You can vote for your favorite caption here:

You can also vote by sending us an email at wetookthebait@gmail.com, with “Caption contest” as the subject.

All votes will be tabulated by a fully trained member of our staff.

The ballots will close at 12:01 AM on Monday, August 23.

The winner will be announced soon after.

Good luck to all of our finalists!

(Photo sources: http://www.thestyleinsider.com; http://mommasaidwhatawaste.blogspot.com; http://www.metacafe.com; http://www.x-entertainment.com; http://www.bluesplayer.co.uk; http://www.videolife.tk; http://www.laurelfainmills.com; http://www.lovetoknow.com)

Though all of the responses this week were fantastic, we can only pick one winner winner chicken dinner.

..There can be only one

And this week, it’s JaneneMurphy, with:

I curl her hair with one rod, curl her toes with another!

Congrats, JaneneMurphy!

For your victory this week, you receive this fine award:

You also have a one in five shot at the Mini Swift Peeler!

Voting on our grand prize winner will begin shortly…

Your last chance to get into the running for a Mini Swift Peeler from Tee Vee Brands.

It’s small… it peels things…

...and, apparently, it's really fast.

Our picture this week is taken from an infomercial for the Jose Eber Secret Hair. Here it is, with sample caption:

Lacking his older brother's fascination with reptiles, Fabio Dundee decided to open a hair salon outside of Walkabout Creek.

Now it’s your turn!

Leave a comment with your funniest/wittiest/most clever/most grainy caption or captions for the picture above.

The winner will be announced in the wee hours of the morning next Monday.

Good luck, and happy captioning!

(Photo sources: http://www.blujay.com; http://blogs.sun.com; http://www.laurelfainmills.com)

And, you know what that means…

We’ve picked a winner in the weekly contest!

We would have preferred to pick three winners this week, but, alas…

..There can be only one

And this week, it’s Doug, with:

This is what happens when you take Jon Lovitz fishing.

Congrats, Doug!

You’re the winner of the week!

For your captioning prowess, you have earned our most prestigious captioning award in all of the land…. or at least the Highlands.

You’ve also earned the fourth chance at winning our Tee Vee Brands Mini Swift Peeler.

One slot remains… who will claim it?

This week’s contest begins shortly.

(Photo sources: http://www.automobilesreview.com; http://www.encefalus.com; http://www.videolife.tk; http://www.mif.co.uk/; http://www.freaksmack.com)

Blendy Pens.

I can think of two reasons why this product has a misleading name.

First, “pens.”

We picked up a ten pack of these color-fusion mini pens through an online store. I was excited about the purchase, because it would, in theory, give us ten additional pens to try not to lose.

Jess and I have a habit of grabbing a pen — to write up a grocery list, or sign a check, or fill out a crossword puzzle — and then… who knows? Maybe when we move the couch, we’ll find nine thousand pens underneath.

Or, perhaps a closer examination of Winston’s stool would reveal chunks of blue Papermate ballpoints.

For whatever reason, our pen retention rate over the past few years has been damn near zero.

Last month, because of our known troubles safekeeping writing instruments, I bought a box of a million bajillion pens from our local BJ’s.

I'm not making up the Wholesale Club's unfortunate name. I suppose "HJ's" was already taken...

Within four days, the entire box had disappeared. A million bajillion pens is an indubitable assload of plastic and ink. And it vanished. Thin air. Poof.

Our endtable. Like the Bermuda Triangle, but with a higher number of pens mysteriously disappearing within its confines.

What we actually received was a set of ten teensy magic markers and five “fusion chambers” — thin, hollow plastic tubes that each held a pair of markers, which could be easily interchanged.

That’s where the “blendy” part enters the equation.

When any two markers are clicked into the chamber and twisted, they’re “blended,” which is a fancy way of saying cross-contaminated. Their tips touch, as if the markers were two gentlemen in adjoining stalls at a rest stop bathroom arriving at the glory hole simultaneously.

So, were our color combinations “like magic?”

Let’s have a look:

Ehrm…. well, the blue marker picked up some red. There’s a hint of purple action going on there. But, not a trace of blue on the red marker. Odd….

Here’s a second blend:

Yeah. Nothing.

Then, there were combinations that we didn’t even attempt, because we knew they’d look like total shit. Black and pink never combine well.

OK... almost never

We did try creating a great big bunch of new and exciting shades and hues…

...but failed.

However, if we’re lucky, we could pass off our multi-colored doodle on spiral notebook paper as a Willem De Kooning original.

Though nobody would fall for that, because our work is much better than the cat vomit that he churned out.

Official Website: We couldn’t find one. But, you can order Blendy Pens online here.

Price: $15.73 + S & H

Why hasn’t your Blendy Pen masterpiece, tentatively titled “Pheasant Hunting in Kansas at Dawn,” been sold to the Museum of Modern Art for tens of thousands of dollars?: Beats the hell out of us. It’s also better than this Jackson Pollock garbage:

(Photo Sources: http://stores.penobscotpens.com; http://www.queenscrap.blogspot.com; http://www.isureveille.com; http://www.sportsuniformsstuff.blogspot.com; http://www.art4net.com; http://thecolorist.blogspot.com)

This one is taken from an infomercial for Ron Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman.  Here ’tis, with sample caption:

While Bob was preoccupied reeling in a 40 pound marlin, Frank pounced on the opportunity to steal his Nikon Coolpix 56000

Now it’s your turn!

Leave a comment with your funniest/wittiest/most clever/most waxy caption for the picture above.

If your caption is deemed our favorite of the week, you’ll have a one in five chance of scoring…. THIS!!

It’s the Mini Swift Peeler from Tee Vee Brands!

I know! Can you frickin' believe it?

The Mini Swift Peeler is, prsumably, much like a regular size peeler,

...Except it's mini.

Entries will be accepted through the weekend, and announced early next Monday morning, 8/9/10.

Good luck, and happy captioning!

(Photo sources: http://www.videolife.tk; http://www.blujay.com; http://www.thewpguy.com.au; http://www.body-philosophy.net)

And with the start of the work week comes the end of our caption week.

Declaring a weekly champion is difficult sometimes. As you’re well aware,

There can be only one

This is not one of those difficult weeks.

The undisputed winner this week is Kid Lester, with his response:

“It’s a…a musical compact disc. Wait, I’m getting something. Youuuuuu. Youuuuuuu and. You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery CHANNEL!”

Congrats, Kid Lester!

Here’s your major award!

You’ve also earned a one-in-five shot at the Tee Vee Brands Mini Swift Peeler!

New contest up in a few minutes…

(Photo sources: http://www.musicdiscoverymachine.blogspot.com; http://encefalus.com; http://www.bluesplayer.co.uk; http://www.freaksmack.com)