06.May.2011 Review : Baconwave

Our Baconwave experience is a cautionary tale.

Jess and I woke up one Saturday morning. Hungry. We had a pound of bacon in the fridge. We had a trusty Emerson Baconwave in the spare bedroom closet.

It was time to nuke some hog.

We skewered each slice of extra-thick bacon according to the instructions and placed them in the heating tray. The directions stated to allow one minute of cooking time for each strip. In case math wasn’t our strong suit, the directions elaborated. “Allow a total of 14 minutes for 14 pieces. 6 pieces would equal 6 minutes.”

Conveniently, we had exactly 14 pieces of bacon, which spared us from having to figure out, algebraically, how long we would have to microwave three slices.

In case you were wondering, the magic number of minutes necessary to prepare three strips of bacon would be…

We set the microwave to full power for 14 minutes and went about with our lives.

On hindsight, it’s fairly simple to see our folly.

Here’s a picture of the box that the Baconwave comes in:

The color scheme and pattern just SCREAM late 70′s or early 80′s. They look similar to the hideous uniforms that the Houston Astros used to wear.

You remember... the ones that made even Strikeout King Nolan Ryan look like a complete choadbag

I’m no expert on antique microwave ovens, but I’d guess that they had comparably low watt output to current models. 600-700 watts, max.

Not to brag, but our oven has a significantly larger watt output… somewhere in the neighborhood of

1.21 Gigawatts.

As you might imagine, when the buzzer sounded, indicating that our bacon (the “world’s best bacon,” boasts the instruction booklet, as well as the little gold medal on the lower left-hand corner of the box) was ready, we opened the microwave door and…

Our tray looked like the faces of the Nazi soldiers in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!

When we tried moving the tray into the garbage, the liquid center caved in. This resulted in a pool of grease — similar to the one found on Jared Leto’s pillow case — covering the entire bottom of the microwave.

Our kitchen smelled like bacon for a full week following this incident. Although cooked bacon has a pleasant enough aroma (In fact, I’m wondering why Yankee Candle hasn’t introduced the fried bacon scent. Yet.), we were taunted and tortured by it, because we couldn’t enjoy any of the bacon that we’d cooked. Unfortunately, the molten tray had infused our bacon with more plastic than the copious amounts found in Nicole Richie’s tits.

In short, if you do decide to give the Baconwave a try, here are two nuggets of advice. First, cooking times may vary, and it’s much better to underestimate rather than overshoot. Second, when it comes to the nuker itself,

Always scope the Watts.

Where to Buy: Bacon Wave | The Official AsSeenOnTV.comâ„¢ Shop

Price: $14.95 + S & H

Your microwave has an output of 1.21 Gigawatts? Did it come with a flux capacitor?: If it did, I think Jess and I would have gone back to 1992 and started the blog then.

(Photo sources: http://www.amothersthoughts.com; http://www.bleacherreport.com; http://www.mgoblog.com; http://jdwack.wordpress.com; http://scrapetv.com; http://www.wegotthiscovered.com)

Comment Pages

There are 16 Comments to "Review : Baconwave"

  • 00dozo says:

    Gah! There’s nothing worse than the odour of burnt or melted plastic. I don’t think I’d ever go the baconator route. I used to, however, cook bacon in the nuke – I placed my bacon on a few pieces of paper towel, covered them with one piece ot paper towel, and let it rip on high for about a mintute. But you are right about the wattage of the ovens these days – they are higher than they used to be. Five pieces of paper towel: $0.05 v. $14.95+ of possilble carcongenic plastic? Who really buys this shit? Oh, wait…

    ;-)

  • Jeremy says:

    Hey, 00dozo!

    Lucky for us, the charred bacon smell overpowered any hint of melted plastic fragrance…

    Which is good. I found out when I was a kid how bad melted plastic smelled, when I had “races” in the microwave to see which He Man character would melt the fastest on high setting.

    (Beast Man. Followed by Man At Arms.)

    Your method of cooking bacon in the microwave makes a lot more sense. But, why are you still using paper towels? The ShamWow! keeps you from spending twenty dollars a month on paper towels… 20.10 if you cook bacon a couple times.

  • 00dozo says:

    Hi J! Bacon must be the theme of the week. I just cooked up a mess of bacon for a recipe I’m making for dinner (Bacon Quiche – check my site later this week or month for the ‘review’), and the people over at Tribal Blogs have taken Bacon hostage (fund raising). But I made it the old fashined way today (in a pan), wearing a sports bra. Yes, I must be masochistic. I like to mix the grease in my dogs’ dinner – it helps their coat and skin and, hey, they like it! Sham Wow?? Well there’s a thought, but I don’t cook that much bacon in a year! Have you checked your cholesteral lately??
    ;-)

  • Rico Swaff says:

    Cool to see ya back at it! Last I knew, it appeared as if you were taking a break… and then I received that hilarious comment on my Google searches post. Haha, that search showed up on Google Analytics. I will probably include it in my next edition of Top 10 Craziest Searches.

    I love that Jim Gaffigan standup bit about bacon making everything better.

    We have something similar to that Bacon Wave, but it isn’t as good…it just has three plastic posts that you hang the bacon over.

    Love the old school Astros and Raiders references.

  • Jeremy says:

    …And there’s this picture floating around the Internets of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” recreated by using only bacon. Google that. Seriously, it’s impressive.

  • Jeremy says:

    Hey, Rico!

    Back at it, hopefully updating more than once a month. We have a couple new toys to play with, so we should have reviews up….soon? soonish?

    When you said “Raiders” reference, I automatically thought of the Oakland/LA Raiders and thought… did I mention football? Then I remembered… ah, yes… the movie.

    I think they should splice that scene with the audio from the wicked witch melting in “Wizard of Oz.”

    It would work even better than the whole Dark Side of the Moon thing.

  • Doug says:

    The most important thing I’ve learned in my 30 years on this planet is that no matter what bacon NEVER tastes good when cooked in the microwave!

  • lifeshighway says:

    First, thank you for the math lesson because I was using my fingers and some of my toes in concern of the higher learning required to use the bacon-a-tor.

    Second, after laughing very hard, I did stop and give a moments pause for the sad demise of the baconwave. He went way all my disposable container lids.

    Thirdly, Glad you still have your house.

  • cardiogirl says:

    I was so smitten with the math lesson and the video ( Knowledge is Power!) that I didn’t figure out the logic you provided at “in hindsight” until you said it. That bites hard. Oh man that’s a drag and yet I’m so glad it happened just so I could read the post.

  • Jeremy says:

    Hey, Cardiogirl!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    It isn’t the first time that carelessness and/or poor product quality has led to disaster, and surely won’t be the last.

    Knowledge IS power!

    I was torn between putting up the video for “3 is a Magic Number” or using the number 12, and including the video for “Lady Bug Picnic.”

    One of these days, one of these days….

  • Sandra says:

    How handy was this post! And hilarious! I love that the box matches the Houston Astros old uniforms. You just never know when you’re going to need to colour coordinate with your kitchen appliances.

  • Jeremy says:

    Hey, Sandra!

    Many thanks for dropping by!

    If the Baconwave box color coordinates with anyone’s kitchen, I feel an immense amount of pity for them.

    Hopefully, you don’t have a kitchen that looks like someone smeared a bunch of earth tone M & Ms all over it… otherwise, you may be offended.

  • Ha ha! Sorry – I shouldn’t laugh but I guessed what might happen.

    A very amusing tale.

    Sorry again for laughing.

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

  • Jeremy says:

    Cheers to you, PM!

    No need to apologize. If you’re laughing, that means we’re doing something right.

    It’s like that ancient proverb… “If you can’t cook bacon properly in a microwave, at least be able to spin a funny yarn of your mishap.”

    That’s probably not an ancient proverb. Still…. it’s relevant.

  • Jean says:

    I am so happy to see your comments on these products, I am so sorry to hear about your experience with the baconwave. I baronet of these I bought some years ago, I used it to the point that the little upright prongs started coming off one by one, long after I’d lost the sticks used to spear the bacon, we’d started using kabob sticks. But my experience with this product, was so phenomenal my daughter and I all but gave it a funeral when we finally had to give it up. I’d long since forgotten the name of it. So thank you and I do hope our new one lives up to our experiences with the old ones.

  • Sam says:

    First of all I like the pictures that you decided to use to illustrate your major mishap. Secondly the baconwave comes with instructions for use in microwave ovens with different wattage lecels. All you had to do was read the instructions. I just cooked 10 pieces of bacon on 5 mins like it told me to and it came out perfectly.

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