21.Apr.2010 Review : Dryer Balls

One thing’s for certain…  out of the menagerie of As Seen On TV commodities we’ve reviewed to date, Dryer Balls have the best moniker.  Hands down.

Maybe Jess and I would think differently if we weren’t, you know, eleven.

Photo taken at our wedding a couple years back

But, because of our juvenile sense of humor, the name of the product alone has provided countless hours of entertainment.  Every time we do laundry, I assume my best Sheila Broflovski voice, and say something along the lines of:

Kyle, bubbie, your scrot's all drippy. Why don't you run along upstairs and Dryer Balls?

You’d think this would get old after the first twenty or thirty times.

You’re obviously not eleven.

The name isn’t the only cool thing about the (tee-hee) Dryer Balls.

Check out their design:

Awesome, right? They look like Smurfette’s illegitimate twins that were fathered by Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies.

"They have their mother's skin"

Cool name?  Check.  Cool design?  Check.  But, do they work?

From the video, I gather that these heavy rubber-studded spheres work by tumbling around in the dryer, beating your clothes and demanding that they soften up.

"Bitch, my shirts best be fluffy, or I'll slap you to the ground without thinking."

Sure, the video tries to smooth this over by using phrases like “lifting and separating” and “massaging fabric,” but we know the real deal.

If my towels and other linens aren't light and airy, it'll be your ass..

And, though I didn’t conduct a scientifically sound experiment, with two identical loads of delicates being put in separate  machines with the same efficiency, one with the Dryer *grin* BALLS and one without, the clothes seemed fluffy enough to me when they emerged from their cycle of tumbling.

On the down side, though… our laundry didn’t have a freshly washed smell anymore.  Detergent alone has a scent that’s barely detectable.  What makes newly purified clothes smell great is the dryer sheet.  The chemical-filled, potentially toxic, environment-destroying static cling eliminators.

On our last shopping trip, we did buy two boxes of Essentials fabric softening squares, so our clothes will smell like lavender once more.  Our apologies to the ecosphere.

We’re sure we can come up with a good use for our out-of-commission Dryer Balls.  For instance, they’d make perfect sexual partners for a puffer fish, if we ever run across one.

"Guess who just engaged in a three way with those two blue skinned beauties?"

At the very least, the Dryer Balls will provide nearly limitless fodder for jokes between Jess and I.

Until we turn fourteen.

Where to Buy: Dryer Balls — The Greener Way to Dry and Soften Fabrics

Price: $9.95 + S & H

Ike and Tina Turner? Brett Myers? Can’t you be a little more current with your spousal abuse jokes? The Myers incident was … when? 2006? And Ike and Tina haven’t been in the public eye since the late 90’s…: I wasn’t able to come up with a more timely example. Lucky for me, I married someone who a) checks the Perez Hilton website about ten times a day, and b) doesn’t find it odd when we’re watching the Food Network, and just as Guy Fieri is about to take a huge bite of slow-simmered pulled pork, I blurt out, seemingly at random, “Hey… was there a more recent celebrity domestic abuse case than the whole Brett Myers deal?”

Turns out there was

(Photo sources: http://www.gettyimages.com; http://www.tvfanatic.com; http://www.istockphoto.com; http://www.thezaz.nationallampoon.com; http://www.kalamu.com; http://www.lastrow.wordpress.com; http://www.aquamarinediscovery.blogspot.com; http://www.flyunion.wordpress.com)

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