17.Oct.2009 Review: Shoes Under

This past weekend, Jess and I were given a Shoes Under.

“Oh, please, take it,” our friend requested.  “I have, like, six of them.”

Two questions sprang immediately to mind.

First, how does one go about acquiring six of these things?  Perhaps our friend habitually sneaks out of her house in the middle of the night to visit the Shoes Under distribution center in Fairfield, New Jersey.  Occasionally, she may ambush the drivers of the delivery trucks —  hijacking their vehicles while wielding a Sonic Blade.

It’s the only logical explanation (I could think of) for her multitude of footwear storage units.

The second puzzler: How do you pluralize Shoes Under?

Perhaps it remains the same… like moose.  Whether you’re discussing a solitary moose or a thousand (or six), you would still say “moose.”  Maybe our friend had six Shoes Under.

Or, maybe the brand name is put in quotes before adding an s.  A thousand “Shoes Under”s.

Another possibility is that this product went the route of the out-of-place apostrophe… Shoes Under’s.


The album cover above shows the Los Angeles quintet The Go-Go’s taking a “Vacation” from proper employment of punctuation.  No matter… Belinda Carlisle’s still hot. (THAT would be a correct placement of an apostrophe.  Another would be in the sentence “I would be a happy man if I could, just once, playfully slap Belinda Carlisle’s apple-shaped bottom.)

Anyhow, the Shoes Under instruction guide (I shit you not… it came with an instruction guide.) gave a clear warning that this organizer was to be used for its intended purpose only.  That purpose?  Pretty vague from the supplied directions.

After unzipping the clear plastic cover, I was advised to insert my shoes or other accessories.  I opted for other accessories.

Here’s a picture of the Shoes Under organizing, storing, and protecting a dozen of my Grolier Sesame Street ornaments:


On hindsight, I put a lot of faith in the plastic cover’s protection capabilities.  Sure, it can shield my accessories.. or, theoretically, shoes… from dirt and dust.  But, would it be able to guard my fragile resin Christmas decorations from our thirteen pound canine wrecking ball?

As I delicately placed Telly and Guy Smiley into their respective compartments, the dog pounced… trying desperately to gnaw their heads off… because little Winston lives for destroying anything he comes into contact with.

He was unable to break the figurines, try as he might.  And, believe me, he did try.  The puppy is certainly persistent… which would be admirable if it wasn’t so damn annoying.

On the right, Prairie Dawn sleeps soundly, secure from animal attacks in the plastic cocoon

On the right, Prairie Dawn sleeps soundly, secure from animal attacks in the plastic cocoon

I did test the Shoes Under on shoes, also.  It would seem that the Shoes Under was engineered without the size 13 Mens consumer in mind.  I was unable to fit both shoes into a single compartment.  So, I placed shoes side by side in adjacent cubbyholes.  My ability to store and organize 12 pairs of shoes was now cut in half.

That’s not really any sweat off of my nutsack, though.  Do I look like Imelda frickin’ Marcos?  I don’t believe I own 6 pairs of shoes, let alone 12.

Not my shoes... except for the baby blue ones on the bottom right

Not my shoes... except for the baby blue ones on the bottom right

So, the Shoes Under can defend six pairs of my shoes… if I have six pairs…. from the elements and the Demolition Pooch.

Is that worth 10 bucks?  Eh….

Where to Buy: Shoes Under at Asseenontvandmore.com

Price: $9.95 , or you could probably get one off of our friend.  She has, like, five of them

Are those baby blue shoes the best footwear ever created …. ever? Fuckin’ A , they are.

(Photo sources: http://www.thep5.blogspot.com;http://www.shessel.wordpress.com)

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