13.Jul.2009 Review Debut: The Bean

 

How The Bean is supposed to be used. Please note that "backrest" does not appear to be one of the options.

How The Bean is supposed to be used. Please note that "backrest" does not appear to be one of the options.

 

I’m not going to slam The Bean, or label it as useless. It might be quite effective. I will say, however, that it’s probably the worst of our television-only product investments to date.

We encountered this gizmo late one night, flipping through channels. It’s pretty much your typical exercize product infomercial- toned and tanned hosts promising to get you into the best shape of your life with little to no effort. In fact, they promised that The Bean would get us lean, thus proving my theory that the more idiotic the pitch, the more alluring it really is. Let’s face it – The Bean is a beach ball on steroids. Oh, I’m sorry. The bean is a beach ball on steroids with an “ergonomic S-shaped design with a pressure sensitive bubble top seat,” that can “dynamically mold” to the “contours of our body.”

Yup.

It might have been the alluring glow of the television screen, or maybe all the rock hard abs glistening with baby oil under fluorescent lighting, but Jess was drawn in. Hook. Line. Sinker.

“I want it,” she said.

“Yes, but will you use it?” I asked

I’m a big fan of investing in products that we might actually use.  For example, cable television.  Or body wash. (I DO use body wash… once every three days or so, bare minimum.)

She looked at me incredulously, as if obtaining a six-pack was a lifelong dream that I dared to mock.

“Definitely. I need The Bean. Need it. Oh, and it has a lifetime warranty.”

I whipped out a credit card to fulfill my wife’s latest “need,” and a couple of weeks later, we were proud owners of The Bean. Actually, let me rephrase that. I was a proud owner of The Bean. Jess had pretty much forgotten about it in the time it took to arrive. Still, I opened the small cardboard box, exposing a puddle of vinyl, a black air cap, and an accordion style pump. My idea was to have the thing inflated by the time my wife came home. Aren’t I a good husband? Remember this moment, because I’m sure that I’ll need redeeming in later posts.

Transforming the deflated plastic heap of Bean-age into the ergonomic fitness chair of lore was a workout in itself. I broke a sweat pumping the damn thing up. To the best of my knowledge, it was the only time that either of us used the $50 lump of vinyl  for exercise purposes.

I came home from work that night, and Jess was using The Bean as a backrest while sitting on the floor, reading a book.

“Checking out The Bean, huh?” I asked.

She shrugged. “It’s okay. You’re supposed to lay on it and watch the DVD to do crunches, but when you’re actually using it like you’re supposed to it’s kind of hard to actually see the DVD. So, if you’re just listening it’s a whole lot of cheesy fusion jazz, some moaning, and a woman saying things like ‘That’s it! That’s good! Okay!'”

She scrunched her face up. “It’s sort of like listening to a porno while contorting your body onto a really uncomfortable pool toy. I don’t like it.”

From that night on, The Bean was relegated to our spare bedroom. In a closet. Maybe some day we’ll find a use for it. I’m thinking an air mattress for a very, very little person with severe scoliosis.

If you’re tempted to take the bait, here’s how we rated El Beano. Please note that in this case we felt it was only fair not to rate it’s likeness to the infomercial description, since we primarily used The Bean as a backrest.

 

 

Cost with shipping: apx. $50

More info: We can’t find an official website, which is mysterious indeed. You can order The Bean and read more about it here.

Comment Pages

There are 2 Comments to "Review Debut: The Bean"

  • Panama Girl says:

    Oh, I can think of a few uses for it – none of which can be posted openly here. It’s certainly cheaper than most of the stuff on the Liberator website…

  • Static says:

    From what I hear..Vince Shlomi loves to beat his hookers on The Bean!
    HE also loves: porn ‘n beans, refried beans, beans beans and spam, spam spam and beans, and beating his own bean.

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